My world is getting fuzzier. It is strange, I caught myself squinting to see the blurs. That isn't going to make a blur clearer, just habit perhaps. I had no idea how much smoother my life would be with my dog. I could write about this forever because each day is like a gift with him. I am more confident where I didn't know I had lost that.... I have begun taking my dog outside of my home gym to a different location to do machine work.
Through injury, recovery, increased vision loss and a few stumbling blocks, it would be easy in a sense to walk away. I decided on a new approach, to take it back. Even if I cannot have what I had before, it's about taking back inner power. That was hard to figure out in the beginning since that's the flame that likes to die out first.
The letting go comes with not trying to see so hard, or hanging on to what is disappearing. My husband puts it as, not trying so hard to be sighted, but excelling at who I am. Fight for who I am. Pulling back from what I was.
I have been out walking a lot lately as we finally have some nice weather. I was thinking a bike ride would be nice. A run would be nice. I mentioned this to my kids. These were things I used to be able to do unassisted; running, biking, rollerblading, and more. For a moment they felt sad. I let them know those were my has-been moments.
I cannot imagine being an athlete without my children to shape who I am. They challenge aspects of my training; patience, being able to adapt on the fly, and looking deep into why I train. My oldest daughter wrote an English piece on courage, it brought tears to my eyes because I did not realize she saw me that way.
Before I left, I had someone tell me I do not try hard enough. Well this is one of the things I do, for me. Four months after surgery I needed to get back up. Everything I do in life involves my whole heart. My family, my work, and if you watched my squat and deadlifts, you can tell I pour it into my lifting.
Training away from home and stepping outside of my box two weeks away from Nationals is always a pleasure and a key component for me. Having people get in my space and changing what I see in my peripheral helps so much. I am so used to my own space and having my useable sight clear. Having the blurs of faces or arms etc. as well as multiple voices and different acoustics helps with my mental training and my physical training.
My girls brought it to my attention that I am a bit touchy when I have people moving around in my kitchen and stirring things or trying to help. I couldn't figure this out. I was baking muffins on a bright day and it hit me. My kitchen is a place I spend a lot of time. It has taken work for me to feel comfortable there, I am frustrated when things are moved or changed.
As I head down the road to nationals, I have to get up and utilize my support system. It does not make me stronger to go without. I'm talking about the support system outside of my family, the people that keep me moving. I have the amazing advice of my coach who can tweak and adjust things as I need, but also the different therapists and professionals that keep me moving.
My absolute favorite lift had fear wrapped around it, the fear of pain and fear of failure. I had to identify this and work on conquering it before I could even pick up that bar. I had to find where the fear was and use some tools to work with it.